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During my practice years I saw numerous individuals who were dealing with the loss of a loved one, be that a spouse, life partner, child, friend, parent or close relative. The grieving person usually showed up in a state of shock not knowing what to do with all these feelings that were emerging from within. At one time I had two couples on the caseload where one of the partners had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and only had a few months to live. Each of these situations were difficult and challenging in their own way.

These couples, with the terminally ill partner, needed to work through feelings about their situation and the practical steps necessary to prepare for the inevitable. The terminally ill partner seemed to have an easier time with the process once they had accepted the reality of their death. When my brother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I witnessed the same effects taking place for he and my sister. Broadly speaking, it was always the surviving partner that had the toughest time.

The goal of counseling is always to listen and reflect back to the client what they are expressing at a feeling level. With experience, identifying the feelings behind the words became second nature to me and my reflections were mostly accurate. I would take what the client said and translate it into something like: "So what you're saying is that you feel scared, disorganized, confused, angry and perhaps sad all at the same time?" Then I would ask them to check "inside" to see if that was accurate. It usually was and thus began the exploration of their feelings.

Then I would instruct them to pay attention to that particular feeling and tell me more about it. They would then describe their feelings in detail along with whatever physical reactions might be attached to it. Tears would begin to flow as they related the physical and emotional reactions they were experiencing. This was the essence of my counselling approach for persons in grief, no matter what the precipitating circumstances.

Some clients would ask about "Stages" and "Theories", usually after having read something or being given advice by a friend. Acknowledging this might be interesting as an intellectual curiousity, I would then re-focus them on their feelings because this was where successful grief recovery counseling had to go. After a few sessions they would realize that dealing with feelings always produced the most favorable results, so interest in side matters diminished. People soon realized that dealing with feelings over grief and loss had many additional benefits. In fact what they were learning about grief recovery and feelings had advantages that could be applied to other aspects of their lives.

Externals, such as stages, theories, charts and graphs can help illustrate important points about a particular experience or grief event. These make for good news reporting and the plethora of self-help books available today. Grief recovery resources and counseling focus on Internals such as emotions, feelings and associated physical reactions. They focus on our Heart and Feeling center because that is where we experience the quality of our life and the pain of a major loss. Once an individual becomes engaged in the process of "looking in" they have a new tool with which to manage their life. Journaling, writing letters to the deceased, listening to soothing music and reading grief related poetry will put you in touch with Your Heart, and that's where healing takes place.

A well written grief recovery book can become an excellent counselling companion as long as it is designed to put you in touch with your feelings. A fully narrated grief resource can take you even further. Since the feelings associated with grief and bereavement are so intense, youre practically there. Just a little push and the guidance counselling resource book and youre on your way. For most of us, all we need is Permission to Feel. Our heart and soul will take it from there because we have engaged our body and feeling natures innate healing capability.

With any recovery process there can be many distractions along the way. In the case of grief recovery these can come in the form of stages, charts and graphs that are intellectually interesting but have no value in terms of your recovery. Most religions, even though well-intentioned, fall short on this matter as well. A good grief resource, counselor or support group can help you focus on the heart of the matter which is your feeling nature. Externals, even when interesting, can detract you from the task at hand - healing your broken heart.

You now have what you need to heal your grief. You will recover from this tragedy and great loss. You will become intimately acquainted with your Heart and Feeling Centre. You will come to a point where you can think about your loved one and smile. Because when the hurt is finally healed, what remains with you is the love you carry in your heart, and that is forever.